What Questions to Ask on a First Date

Hey guys,

I think this is such a controversial topic as so many people have so many different views. The notion of what type of questions, if any, should people really be asking on a first date is one that has many different views. If you ask me, I honestly don’t believe in dating someone for a period of time without actually asking that person serious questions and really getting to know him. I first published this post on Go Dates.

Up until recently, I could have been dating a guy for months and not really know him. I am happy to say that that has changed now that I spend more time trying to get to know the person instead of just having ‘fun’. If you’re anything like me, then you will want to know what type of questions you should be asking on a first date. These are in no particular order but I do feel that all of the below are very necessary topics and questions to bring up in a first date scenario.

 

Tell me about your past relationship history

It is so important to actually ask your date how many partners they have previously had and how long their relationships lasted for and why they feel it ended. At this stage you don’t need to know the ins and outs of how all his/her previous relationships went but you do need to know the basics. I hear too many people say that their past is their past and that they don’t need to talk about their past girlfriends for instance. This is completely wrong because guess what? Your past has a lot to do with who you are now. You can never really know anyone, if you don’t even know what he did a few years prior.

 

Cultural background

A lot of people think that knowing about someone’s culture is not necessary. However, they couldn’t be far from wrong. A person’s culture can give you an idea of what his parents and family may be like. It can also help you to understand his/her way of thinking and what they could expect from a relationship. In some cultures they don’t believe that women should work. Other cultures believe that you should have a child within your first year of marriage and view it as an abominable act if you choose to not have kids.

Understanding ones culture can help you to decide if the person could be right for you. After all, if you’re both sitting on the opposite side of the spectrum when it comes to culture, then initiating a relationship with this person could be a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Faith

Faith is such an important topic to bring up. Some people don’t have any faith, but other’s live by their faith, like myself. I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t have the same faith as me because that would mean that we wouldn’t see eye to eye when it comes to a lot of things. You have to ask your date if he/she has a faith and if so find out what it is so that you save yourself from a lot of trouble in the long run.

 

What are your intentions?

This is such an obvious question to ask, because lady, if you’re excited about getting married and your date isn’t even thinking about marriage then you might as well take your handbag and go home. The same goes for you gents because after all, you have to be on the same page to even consider going on a second date.

Photo credit - Charisma Jonesford

What are your goals for the future?

This has got to be one of the most broadest questions you could actually ask on a date. At this point, you shouldn’t make any suggestions but just listen to their response because that will give you an inkling into what their future plans are. If they’re saying they want to move to China and set up a school there and you’re thinking what, I don’t even want to leave the English border then you know they’re not for you.

 

How are you with your Family?

If someone tells you that they don’t have a good relationship with their parents or siblings, you should ask why. There could be a very good reason for this which consists of situations that are out of their control. If your date gives the impression that they don’t have a good relationship with their family that could be a sign that he or she won’t treat you very well either. How can someone respect you if they don’t even respect their own family?

 

What are you looking for in a relationship?

Do they want someone who is driven, ambitious and career focused or do they want someone who is laid back, chilled out and outgoing? You might meet what they’re looking for but even if you don’t at least you have saved yourself the trouble. On another note, you may find your date giving you a long and frankly impossible criteria of who they are looking for. If this is the case, it may suggest that they have too much self-love and are looking for the impossible when they themselves won’t be able to match such a criteria.

 

Tell me about yourself

This point immediately reminds me of a job interview. You’re sitting in a chair with the interviewer staring at you and he states that you should tell him a bit about who you are in the simple phrase stated above. They want to know what parts of your life and career you think are the most important. What details will you provide him with and what will you leave out. Well, it’s the same when it comes to dating. You want to know what parts of their life they think are the most important to talk about. This will definitely let you know what he/she views as treasurable to themselves.

 

Friends

What are their friends like? Do they even have friends? If they don’t is there a particular reason for this? How do they describe their friends? Are their friends in relationships or are they single? How does your date spend his/her time with his/her friends? All valid questions. It’s OK if they don’t have many or even any friends because that could just be due to a variety of factors such as work or maybe they are just more of a home-buddy. As the saying goes, ‘show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are’. In this case, you haven’t met their friends but you can grasp an understanding of who they may be.

Dating is definitely not an interviewing process. In fact, yes it should be an enjoyable experience but you should ensure that you’re making the most of your time in this busy life. You don’t want to place all your feelings in a person who ends up not being right when you actually could have avoided it in the first place. Have a read of my post – How To Spot Red Flags in Early Stages of Dating.

Definitely don’t bring your notepad and pen to a date, but definitely have a rough idea of the type of questions you should ask. Find the right points of the conversation to bring up certain topics so that it seems natural and the other person doesn’t feel like they’ve been put on the spot.

What are  your experiences of going on first dates? Do you find that asking particular questions are helpful?

HettyAsh xx

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Under Achievement Means Unattractive Mess

Hey guys and dolls,

I know it’s been a while since you’ve had a post from me. I hope you all enjoy reading this, you can thank me later lol.

So what do I mean by underachievement equals unattractive mess?

Well, speaking for myself I believe attractiveness is not based solely on looks but also on the persons personality, and where the person sees themselves in the future, and what footprints they have already left behind in pursuing this goal.

I will elaborate further. To take an example, when I used to go on dates, I would normally pick a man, who’s personality and attitude complimented mine. So being the hard working person I am, I instinctively would be drawn to a man who was more ambitious, and achieving more than I was.

So there was this particular time in my life when I thought I had met the man of my dreams. In the beginning he seemed so cool, so well established and full of life. But when I started to peel back the layers of onion skin, I began to see a completely different person. They say don’t judge a book by its cover, but I would go on to say don’t judge a book by what it  exposes to you within the first few pages. You must dare to read and go further if you really want to know how the story ends.

Okay so back to this guy, his schedule would always seem so busy, and when he would explain what he did as a living, well I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I was so impressed, and I would get so excited whenever he would invite me out. But as time went by, I would notice that the majority of plans he had, had not come into fruition. I tried to ignore it at first and I would make excuses up in my mind for the reasons why his personality was changing. Also I felt a little sorry for him. Until the day came when slowly but surely he was expecting me to pay for his lifestyle. So when we went out to dinner he expected me to pay, when we went to the cinema he expected me to pay, gosh I even learnt how to drive before he did, and you guessed it, he expected me to drive him around!

So there I was thinking, how this attractive man could do a 380 degrees turn around on his personality, attitude and achievements. Was he playing a character all along? Is this his way of luring people in? Or did his life take a significant turn downhill? I truly don’t know the answers to these question, but one thing I do know is underachievement equals unattractive mess. So guys and girls understand that being attractive is not all about how good you look but also all the good things you have achieved.

xo Asiabee

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How To Spot Red Flags In Early Stages Of Dating Part Two

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Hi people!

A few weeks ago I published a post on How To Spot Red Flags In Early Stages of Dating Part One. I’ve been saying this for a while now but when it comes to dating, it’s not just about having fun, laughing and just ‘living the life’, it’s much more than that. I go to numerous talks based on love life held at Love Talk Live at the Rainbow Theatre in London. These talks are also international so just look them up online. I have learnt from my own experiences and experiences of others because after all, you’re not wise if you don’t learn from your own mistakes and that of others.The below points are literally what I’ve come to realise when it comes to dating. I originally published this post on Go Dates.

Family and Friends Say Hell No

Usually, family and friends have your best interest at heart. They often see things that we don’t see because we’re too infatuated about our new Mr or Miss to realise. One thing is for certain is that if different people who don’t even know or speak to each other are saying the same thing about a person, then it must be true. Trust me, they didn’t read each others’ minds, they have just noticed a thing or two about your new guy.

This doesn’t mean that you should run away just yet, but perhaps you should definitely pay close attention to see if what people are saying is indeed true. In saying this, you should never confront the person directly. This is because, if what your loved ones are saying is true and that you should be careful, your guy will just deny it and change his tactics.

He/She Puts You Down

One of the main reasons for being in a relationship should be the notion of finding someone who can add to your life, instead of subtract from it. You want someone who will add value. Well, news flash, not everyone will add value to your life, some will just take, take and take, until there’s nothing left.

How can you spot someone who puts you down either in a manipulative or open way? Well, 9 out of 10 times your spirit should be lifted up after having a conversation with them, if it’s not, ask yourself why? Do they appear to be very negative towards you as a person, such as telling you that you don’t do anything for them even though you’re only dating and they haven’t done anything for you either? Are they the last ones to cheer you on and instead of complimenting you, do they slate you?

If you’re unsure if they’re really this person who is just there to put you down, test them. Tell them about your future goals and ambitions or even point out a physical feature you have like your nose or arms. What do they say and how do they react when you bring up such topics?

Oversensitive

This is an interesting one because the truth is everyone will hurt and offend you, however, some are worth fighting for. To be in a relationship you need to be thick skinned. I was the person who would be like, ‘I’m not going to be with that person anymore because he did this or he said that’. I was wrong for thinking that way, because no one is perfect.

If you notice that you’re dating someone who is always offended and upset by pretty much anything, then he or she is not ready for a relationship. There are some people who love to play the blame game. Everything is everyone’s fault but theirs. If they’ve upset you, it’s your fault, if you wronged them it’s your fault, if they made a mistake it’s your fault. Do you see the pattern?

This is the perfect opportunity to test the person in question to see how they react. Confront them about something they’ve done or said that upset you and observe their behaviour and what they say.

The Lazy 

I am attracted to go-getters as in go get a job, go get some money and just go make something of yourself. We can all agree that life is hard and nothing good comes easy. Nonetheless, if you’re dating someone who appears to be stagnant in life and not really doing anything or going anywhere, that’s a big problem.

If they’re lazy about things like getting a job, then they’ll probably be lazy when it comes to things concerning you. Let’s face it, you don’t want to be the only one putting in effort when it comes to your relationship.

There are many other red flags when it comes to dating but these are definitely the most common. If you can watch out for these negative signs, you will save yourself from so much trouble and problems in the long run. A scratch can appear in a second but a scar can take a lifetime to heal.

Have you experienced any of these signs detailed above and if so what have your experiences been? I’d love to know your thoughts.

HettyAsh xx

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How To Spot Red Flags In Early Stages Of Dating Part One

If there’s anything that I’ve learned about dating that I strongly believe everyone should know, is that dating is about being vigilant and observant as opposed to just having fun. I’m a single girl, yes I’m not in a relationship. I hear you ask, ‘well what do you know about dating if you’re single’? It’s a very good question to ask.

I’ve been on countless dates in the past, attended major national love life based events and I attend weekly Love Talk seminar’s at least once a month. These events and seminars are hosted by married couples who profess that they have been happily married for years and guess what? I believe them.

I had a guy who was so complexed by my understanding of him after talking to him for a couple of months that he asked me if I had previously studied anything to do with psychology. The answer was and still is no. All you need to do guys is to be vigilant and observant when you’re dating someone and you will save so much heartbreak and stress in the long run. This article is simply a manifestation of my experiences, other people’s experiences and what I’ve learnt from said talks. I originally published this post on Go Dates .

There isn’t necessarily an art to spotting red flags during the early stages of dating, but the dating process is what I like to call, an assignment. You have to know and learn the right things about the other person and test them along the way.

Regardless of how you meet a potential partner, there will inevitably be both clear and more discreet red signs that will be visible if the person is just not for you. There are two obvious questions that spring to mind – what are the red flags and how can you spot them? Let’s delve in shall we?

When you’re dating someone there should be a level of transparency. Dating is the perfect balance between not owing the other person anything as you’re purely just getting to know each other, but wanting to make a good impression at the same time.  Therefore, in reality, if the person is not transparent, then he/she is being secretive.

Secrecy and Lies

I have never heard anyone say that they have been in a happy and fruitful relationship with a liar or a secretive person. This type of ‘happy’ relationship just doesn’t exist. It brings nothing but uncertainty, confusion, insecurity, pain and stress. You could be with someone who is secretive and a liar for years and still know absolutely nothing about them, even though you may be living with them.

If you’re dating someone who is a compulsive liar and/or is secretive you need to run and run fast.

Catching people who possess these traits is very easy. You start off with asking them basic but important questions, for example, how many relationships have you had and why did they end? What do you do during your spare time? What job do you do? Paying attention to the responses and answers they give is also very important. A good trick is to ask the same questions in a different way on other occasions. It’s unlikely that they will answer you in the exact same way, but you will be able to catch them out if their answers don’t correlate or make sense.

When you’re dating someone there should be a level of transparency. Dating is the perfect balance between not owing the other person anything as you’re purely just getting to know each other, but wanting to make a good impression at the same time.  Therefore, in reality, if the person is not transparent, then he/she is being secretive. I don’t mean that said person needs to reveal everything about themselves, because at this stage they really shouldn’t, but they should be able to tell you if they are going away for the weekend for example.

Lack of Character

Someone who lacks character is a person who says they are going to do something then don’t do it. They are those who are constantly changing their minds and they are what I like to call actors. They are insincere and their behaviour and reactions to certain situations just confuse you.

They can be so confusing that they seem to just appear in and out of your life like a yoyo. Well as they say, YOLO (you only live once) so why waste valuable time on a person like this?

Such people lack good and solid characteristics. You can’t trust them, you can’t believe them and to be honest, you shouldn’t be dating them.

If you’ve made plans with your date on several occasions and he or she continuously cancels or re-arranges with little or no notice then ‘Houston, we have a problem’. Someone who is serious about you would take things like this seriously.

Relationships shouldn’t be about running a race or competing with the next person.

Things Move Too Quickly

Relationships are supposed to be for long term purposes. With each relationship comes new lessons, new experiences, but also new baggages. Ideally, you don’t want to be jumping from person to person, so is there really a need to rush a relationship?

In saying this, there isn’t a specific timeframe to know if you’re ready to make it official, but I think we can all agree that there are certain things you need to know about the person before you make such a big decision.

If you’re dating someone who is constantly pushing you to take your relationship to the next level, that should be a sign that you need to cool things off a bit and figure out why that is.

Does he keep asking you to sleep with him, is she constantly begging you to introduce her to your family, or perhaps he’s talking about marriage and you don’t even know where he lives?

Relationships shouldn’t be about running a race or competing with the next person, so tell your guy to take a chill pill if such signs seem to appear.

Have you experienced any of these signs detailed above and if so what have your experiences been? I’d love to know your thoughts.

HettyAsh xx

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Should Being In A Relationship Be A Necessity?

Hi lovelies,

OK, this might be a controversial topic, but I honestly think that it shouldn’t. This subject should really just be a given – people shouldn’t have to debate on something like this, well at least this is what I think.

Honestly, I can’t roll my eyes enough in relation to the amount of times I’ve heard, in my experience, many women (and men) desperately searching for a boyfriend/ husband or girlfriend/wife because they just can’t be alone. I have to say that this is a huge problem and I’ll explain why.

Being in a fruitful relationship should be a desire and not a necessity. We all have to love ourselves individually and be happy and comfortable with being in our own skin, being by ourselves and just enjoying our own company first. If we feel like dying of boredom and loneliness every time we are single then we have serious issues we need to deal with.

If you are looking for someone to love first, then what will happen is that, that person will become your world, you will become needy and sad every time they’re not around and just completely dependent on them. In other words, you will be draining them for everything they have and it will become exhausting with time.

We as individual people have to love ourselves first before we can love anyone else. We can’t love someone else if we don’t even love ourselves. Basically, it’s impossible to really love someone the way we’re supposed to if we don’t love ourselves. OK so we have to love ourselves first – I’m sure you get the drift.

If you are looking for someone to love first, then what will happen is that, that person will become your world, you will become needy and sad every time they’re not around and just completely dependent on them. In other words, you will be draining them for everything they have and it will become exhausting with time.

You won’t add any value to the relationship because you can’t even be by yourself. There won’t be any good fruit and even if there is it will be very, very tiny and mostly because of the work the other person is putting in.

You become desperate which is never a good thing because then you will most likely end up in the wrong type of relationship. You will end up being in a relationship with someone who will use, abuse and manipulate you. You will see this person as perfection when everyone else might just see him/her as the complete opposite, but that won’t even be the sad thing. The saddest thing will be that you won’t even notice. The red flags, will be green, green and green in your eyes.

You have to be happy with yourself first. This includes enjoying your own company, being at peace with yourself and having the will and desire to do better for yourself without having someone around, such as looking nice and focusing on your ambitions.

I’m a single girl and although it’s nice to be in a relationship, I’m not desperate to be in one because if I’m in a relationship then I know it is going somewhere, or at least I hope it does. I’m not running around like a headless chicken aimlessly trying to find my ‘other half’ because by the way, I’m supposed to be one whole person who is looking for someone to add to my life and I to his.

So that’s where I’m at so please, please, please stop with the whole I need someone to complete me and pushing someone to be in a relationship when they might not be ready or they might not have found the right person for them. OK so I can be a little bit guilty of that – I think my instincts is to try to match everyone else up and everyone’s like, ‘what about you Hetty’?.

HettyAsh xx

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