How To Spot Red Flags In Early Stages Of Dating Part One

If there’s anything that I’ve learned about dating that I strongly believe everyone should know, is that dating is about being vigilant and observant as opposed to just having fun. I’m a single girl, yes I’m not in a relationship. I hear you ask, ‘well what do you know about dating if you’re single’? It’s a very good question to ask.

I’ve been on countless dates in the past, attended major national love life based events and I attend weekly Love Talk seminar’s at least once a month. These events and seminars are hosted by married couples who profess that they have been happily married for years and guess what? I believe them.

I had a guy who was so complexed by my understanding of him after talking to him for a couple of months that he asked me if I had previously studied anything to do with psychology. The answer was and still is no. All you need to do guys is to be vigilant and observant when you’re dating someone and you will save so much heartbreak and stress in the long run. This article is simply a manifestation of my experiences, other people’s experiences and what I’ve learnt from said talks. I originally published this post on Go Dates .

There isn’t necessarily an art to spotting red flags during the early stages of dating, but the dating process is what I like to call, an assignment. You have to know and learn the right things about the other person and test them along the way.

Regardless of how you meet a potential partner, there will inevitably be both clear and more discreet red signs that will be visible if the person is just not for you. There are two obvious questions that spring to mind – what are the red flags and how can you spot them? Let’s delve in shall we?

When you’re dating someone there should be a level of transparency. Dating is the perfect balance between not owing the other person anything as you’re purely just getting to know each other, but wanting to make a good impression at the same time.  Therefore, in reality, if the person is not transparent, then he/she is being secretive.

Secrecy and Lies

I have never heard anyone say that they have been in a happy and fruitful relationship with a liar or a secretive person. This type of ‘happy’ relationship just doesn’t exist. It brings nothing but uncertainty, confusion, insecurity, pain and stress. You could be with someone who is secretive and a liar for years and still know absolutely nothing about them, even though you may be living with them.

If you’re dating someone who is a compulsive liar and/or is secretive you need to run and run fast.

Catching people who possess these traits is very easy. You start off with asking them basic but important questions, for example, how many relationships have you had and why did they end? What do you do during your spare time? What job do you do? Paying attention to the responses and answers they give is also very important. A good trick is to ask the same questions in a different way on other occasions. It’s unlikely that they will answer you in the exact same way, but you will be able to catch them out if their answers don’t correlate or make sense.

When you’re dating someone there should be a level of transparency. Dating is the perfect balance between not owing the other person anything as you’re purely just getting to know each other, but wanting to make a good impression at the same time.  Therefore, in reality, if the person is not transparent, then he/she is being secretive. I don’t mean that said person needs to reveal everything about themselves, because at this stage they really shouldn’t, but they should be able to tell you if they are going away for the weekend for example.

Lack of Character

Someone who lacks character is a person who says they are going to do something then don’t do it. They are those who are constantly changing their minds and they are what I like to call actors. They are insincere and their behaviour and reactions to certain situations just confuse you.

They can be so confusing that they seem to just appear in and out of your life like a yoyo. Well as they say, YOLO (you only live once) so why waste valuable time on a person like this?

Such people lack good and solid characteristics. You can’t trust them, you can’t believe them and to be honest, you shouldn’t be dating them.

If you’ve made plans with your date on several occasions and he or she continuously cancels or re-arranges with little or no notice then ‘Houston, we have a problem’. Someone who is serious about you would take things like this seriously.

Relationships shouldn’t be about running a race or competing with the next person.

Things Move Too Quickly

Relationships are supposed to be for long term purposes. With each relationship comes new lessons, new experiences, but also new baggages. Ideally, you don’t want to be jumping from person to person, so is there really a need to rush a relationship?

In saying this, there isn’t a specific timeframe to know if you’re ready to make it official, but I think we can all agree that there are certain things you need to know about the person before you make such a big decision.

If you’re dating someone who is constantly pushing you to take your relationship to the next level, that should be a sign that you need to cool things off a bit and figure out why that is.

Does he keep asking you to sleep with him, is she constantly begging you to introduce her to your family, or perhaps he’s talking about marriage and you don’t even know where he lives?

Relationships shouldn’t be about running a race or competing with the next person, so tell your guy to take a chill pill if such signs seem to appear.

Have you experienced any of these signs detailed above and if so what have your experiences been? I’d love to know your thoughts.

HettyAsh xx

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Every year Is One Step Closer (To Achieving Your Ultimate Goals And Ambitions)

Hello guys and dolls,

If you’re anything like me, turning a year older once I was 21 got terrifying and I would no longer shout from the rooftops that it was my birthday. I then had a change of philosophy and started to see the year differently. I questioned myself on why turning a year older was so overwhelming rather than it being a blessing. The answer I got back surprised me. I realised I wasn’t setting enough goals and targets for my life, thus with each year of getting older I wasn’t achieving all that I had set out to achieve.

Flip The Script

I flipped the script, did some soul searching and believe me that wasn’t easy and I started to set goals, aspirations and life development skills for myself. Each year I would tick of my list the goals that had been achieved. By doing this, it gave me a sense of purpose for my life and it directed me towards the life I wanted to live as well as the necessary steps I would need to take in order to bring these dreams to fruition.

Goals

My first goal was to get a university degree in social work. I had always wanted a job that interacted with people and helped them to better manage their lives, so I did an access course for the year. I was thrilled to past the course which then gave me access to attend Royal Holloway University of London where I attained my degree in social work. So at this point, 4 years of my life had been dedicated to higher learning and I was completely fine with that because finally I was doing what I set out to do with my life on a year by year basis. Whereas, previously I would have been so disappointed that four years of my life had past by and I wouldn’t have had anything to show for it.

Winning Streak

They say that once you’re on a winning streak the blessings keeps on coming; this is so true. I would also add that once you have figured out the strategy and methods that work best for you, it is easier to then apply those same methods to multiple areas of your life in order to achieve your goals and ambitions. That’s exactly what I did.

Ultimate Goal

My other ultimate goal was to get married and have children. I honestly thought that it would be an impossible mountain to climb and I couldn’t see how this could happen. You see, just like so many other women, I had already planned my entire life so I knew that by the age of 30 I wanted to be already married with 1 or 2 children. However, when I got to 27 and had just broken up with the person who I thought I would be married to, all of a sudden I saw the perfect picture I had planned for my life become distorted. Once again I found myself feeling the same emotions I felt when another year went by and I would be filled with anxiousness and disappointment, (as I knew what I wanted to achieve was slowly slipping out of my sight).

Faith

However, with a little faith, self believe and refusing to settle for just anything due to the pressures of age and years, I had a break through. I met the man of my dreams at the age of 28 turning 29. We got married within 15 months and had a child together. I am elated to announce that I have recently given birth to another beautiful boy. I achieved all of this just before the age of 30. So now I can confidently profess, every year is one step closer to achieving my ultimate goals and ambitions.

Encouragement

Never be disheartened if life doesn’t seem to go according to plan because with a little bit of faith, focus, determination and planning, you will eventually reach your destination. Just know that every year is indeed one step closer to achieving your ultimate goal regardless of how small the step may seem.

xo Asiabee

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Twenty-Heaven-Teen – How 2017 Can Be A Year Of Opportunities

Hey guys and dolls,

OK, so we’re nearly three months into 2017 but without sounding cheesy, I can’t stress that it’s never too late to plan out your year and make the most of it. I have to admit that this year is the first year that I’ve purposely written my goals and plan for the year in a dedicated book. Even though I have previously created a vision board on an A3 piece of paper. Having said this, it takes more than writing down you goals to turn them into reality, so how can you help to make 2017 a twenty-heaven-teen year for you?

The beginning of each year for everyone or at least most people like myself, (or at least the first few days) is a time where I verbalise the plans and New Year resolutions to myself. I tell myself things like, “I’m going to reach a certain point in my career as well as financially, network more and go out more and do things I usually don’t do”. Note that I say verbalise – what a mistake, right? Verbalising plans and goals is like getting a new job and being given a verbal contract. Anyone can say anything they want but by the time the sun goes down and the moon comes up, who is to say that they, or even you will remember what was actually said?

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” – Albert Einstein. I believe the wise learn and the foolish never learn. Yes it’s a deep saying but I stand by this statement. I have to learn and change my previous routines.

My twenty-heaven-teen plan list:

1. Envision and know what your dreams, goals and aspirations are for the year.

I would suggest thinking of what you have always wanted to achieve. What aspirations lay in the foundations of your heart and what dreams keeping playing in your mind like a broken record?

I am a freelance broadcast television researcher. I work on various factual entertainment productions. I also occasionally work in the development department of companies which consists of coming up with programme ideas. I enjoy my job but it can at times be challenging. My goal for 2017 is to constantly be in a contract and work on more of a variety of programmes.

This means that I need to network more by attending various events and socialising with people in the industry I haven’t met before when the opportunity presents itself.

I also want to expand my friendship circle as I can sometimes (ok more often than not) be slightly unsociable. I am an approachable person and I’m the girl that laughs at pretty much anything, but I love being in the comfort of my own home. This is great but not so great when you work in TV, have a blog (which I want to grow) and ermmmm, well want to get into the dating scene.

I spent the last few years of my life focusing on my career, until I had that lightbulb moment and thought, well who said I can’t have a dating life and focus on my career at the same time, right?

2. Three month strategies work wonders

Now that you know what goals you want to achieve, the next step is to put them down on paper in a picture or notes formation or as a bulleted list and keep it somewhere as a constant reminder.

My life and my goals are always updating and upgrading itself so I would suggest revisiting your ‘vision board’ every three months.

I will be setting myself realistic steps every three months. Such steps will include researching on networking events, going out more when I’m invited to do so and forcefully stepping out of my comfort zone because if I’m too comfortable then I’m not progressing.

3. A positive mind attracts a positive life

“Oh that’s not really true” I hear someone say. Well lovelies, it kind of is. I am a firm believer than what you think can actually come into fruition whether good or bad. If you have negative thoughts then chances are your life will become negative.

Even if life seems to be crumbling around you, it’s always good to stay positive as it will lift your spirits and motivate and encourage you.

I am putting my hand on my heart and telling myself, Hetty be positive at all times or at least try to be most of the times because that will help your ‘vision board’ jump out of the paper and into real life.

Over the years I have distanced myself from people I thought were creating a negative impact on my life. This could be due to their lifestyle, their way of thinking, their behaviour, their beliefs just anything I knew would not be beneficial to me. As brutal as it may be, reevaluating who you spend a majority of your time with can be of great use.

I have to add and this is very important – you have to believe in yourself first before anyone else will. Don’t seek approval from people before you do what you know you can and should do within yourself. People will usually believe in you once they see results.

4. Action equates results

I personally like to say that 70% of people have goals which never turn into anything else other than goals because they don’t act. Zero action equals zero results and I mean zero, nada, nothing!

Acting sometimes can be hard but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. One example is when I knew I wanted to work in TV and although many didn’t believe it could happen, I knew it was what I wanted.

I conducted a lot of research and attended initial networking events that broadcasters and companies were holding. I applied for internships, work experience, volunteering opportunities you name it, anything I could think of. I went to countless interviews, approached and emailed people who were in the industry and just worked really hard and always did more than what was expected of me.

Breakdown:

  • Believe before you see and envision your aspirations.
  • Create a ‘vision board’, update it every three months and keep it somewhere as a monthly reminder.
  • Research the necessary actions needed to reach each goal.
  • Act.
  • Change your mindset and start seeing each obstacle, challenge and setback as another opportunity for growth and success.

There you have it, well there’s no time like the present so I better get started in creating steps to making my 2017 a twenty-heaven-teen year.

Let me know how you get on.

HettyAsh xx

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Should Being In A Relationship Be A Necessity?

Hi lovelies,

OK, this might be a controversial topic, but I honestly think that it shouldn’t. This subject should really just be a given – people shouldn’t have to debate on something like this, well at least this is what I think.

Honestly, I can’t roll my eyes enough in relation to the amount of times I’ve heard, in my experience, many women (and men) desperately searching for a boyfriend/ husband or girlfriend/wife because they just can’t be alone. I have to say that this is a huge problem and I’ll explain why.

Being in a fruitful relationship should be a desire and not a necessity. We all have to love ourselves individually and be happy and comfortable with being in our own skin, being by ourselves and just enjoying our own company first. If we feel like dying of boredom and loneliness every time we are single then we have serious issues we need to deal with.

If you are looking for someone to love first, then what will happen is that, that person will become your world, you will become needy and sad every time they’re not around and just completely dependent on them. In other words, you will be draining them for everything they have and it will become exhausting with time.

We as individual people have to love ourselves first before we can love anyone else. We can’t love someone else if we don’t even love ourselves. Basically, it’s impossible to really love someone the way we’re supposed to if we don’t love ourselves. OK so we have to love ourselves first – I’m sure you get the drift.

If you are looking for someone to love first, then what will happen is that, that person will become your world, you will become needy and sad every time they’re not around and just completely dependent on them. In other words, you will be draining them for everything they have and it will become exhausting with time.

You won’t add any value to the relationship because you can’t even be by yourself. There won’t be any good fruit and even if there is it will be very, very tiny and mostly because of the work the other person is putting in.

You become desperate which is never a good thing because then you will most likely end up in the wrong type of relationship. You will end up being in a relationship with someone who will use, abuse and manipulate you. You will see this person as perfection when everyone else might just see him/her as the complete opposite, but that won’t even be the sad thing. The saddest thing will be that you won’t even notice. The red flags, will be green, green and green in your eyes.

You have to be happy with yourself first. This includes enjoying your own company, being at peace with yourself and having the will and desire to do better for yourself without having someone around, such as looking nice and focusing on your ambitions.

I’m a single girl and although it’s nice to be in a relationship, I’m not desperate to be in one because if I’m in a relationship then I know it is going somewhere, or at least I hope it does. I’m not running around like a headless chicken aimlessly trying to find my ‘other half’ because by the way, I’m supposed to be one whole person who is looking for someone to add to my life and I to his.

So that’s where I’m at so please, please, please stop with the whole I need someone to complete me and pushing someone to be in a relationship when they might not be ready or they might not have found the right person for them. OK so I can be a little bit guilty of that – I think my instincts is to try to match everyone else up and everyone’s like, ‘what about you Hetty’?.

HettyAsh xx

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The Celibacy Thing and Does it Really Work?

Hey guys and dolls,

For those of you who are single, you might find this very interesting. I have started to notice more than ever that there is a constant debate surrounding celibacy and more and more people are choosing abstain from sex.

So why is this happening I hear you ask. It’s simple really, I believe a lot of people are fed up with being taken for granted and are sick and tired of giving their all in a relationship and getting nothing back in return. I know as a woman and speaking from a woman’s point of view, when she truly likes or loves a man and she gives herself to him, she is hoping for a future that entails marriage and when this is not the reality she feels defeated and used. With women being more emotional it can become a draining process and one we would rather not experience again.

So what does is mean to be celibate?

Celibacy in general is the act of abstaining from sex for a period of time, although some may also choose to include no kissing. In such cases, the purpose for dating is to explore who that person is and to avoid any surprises in the future.

I decided to speak to a couple of people who expressed to me that they are now remaining celibate and to find out the motivation behind the decision. They informed me that in the past they had jumped into relationships without much thought about finding out who that person is and what they are really about. In doing this they have come across a lot of hassle, pain, heartbreak and they have found their time to be wasted with broken promises of marriage and dreams.

Also from a spiritual perspective they have now decided to put their trust in the Lord and they are believing in God to place the right man in their lives who has the same faith, values and principles.

According to www.etonline.com, famous people such as actress Meagan Good and her husband, DeVon Franklin abstained from sex until marriage. They know all too well that good things come to those who wait. The Hollywood power couple insist that waiting to have sex until marriage was key to their relationship.

Another famous couple are “Adrienne Bailon and Israel Houghton who stayed celibate with each other until their wedding night and when the big moment finally arrived, Bailon made it extra special” – www.toofab.com.

Devout NFL star Russell Wilson and his new wife, Ciara also abstained from sex until they were married. She is currently pregnant with Russell’s first child as stated in –www.dailymail.co.uk.

When you examine these three relationships you notice that their is a thread that ties them all together. The women made a decision that they wanted to be wives and not girlfriends anymore, and they realised that in order to get something different they had to try something different. As they say you can’t keep doing the same things expecting different results. I think if it worked for them then it will surely work for you.

xo Asiabee

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