The Conundrum of Lying – How Lying Can Ruin Relationships

“There are times I have witnessed and even in my own life that when you lie you become a slave to that lie. You’re in bondage. You’re entrapped in a fictional story that can’t be undone…”

Hey ladies and gents,

I have got to say that lying has got to be one of the most complicated things that people do. It’s filled with riddles, puzzles, obstacles, secrecy, confusion and so many other negative adjectives and verbs that I could write a book on. I have often been told that guys lie a lot more than girls do, especially when it comes to relationships and dating. Please don’t shoot me but I actually agree, especially when I look at my own experiences.

I’m that girl that prides herself in gaining some sort of thrill from investigating and researching things, maybe it’s because of my occupation working as a researcher. Upon searching through my experience and others, I believe there are three main reasons why people lie:

  1. The first reason why people lie is definitely out of fear; fear of having to face the consequences in telling the truth.

  2. To ‘protect’ people’s feelings.

  3. To look good. This could be anything from creating a false image of oneself to attempting to be socially accepted.

I am a what you see is what you get type of person and I’m not someone who agrees in lying at all. You know the infamous saying, ‘the truth will set you free’ – now that’s the truth. Lying inevitably leads to more lying and covering up and then you actually have to remember the lie and create a fictional story around it so that the lie can stick like glue in people’s minds and usually lies don’t seem to entirely make sense.

There are times I have witnessed and even in my own life that when you lie you become a slave to that lie. You’re in bondage. You’re entrapped in a fictional story that can’t be undone unless you hold your hand up and confess, which even then will most likely have worse consequences than the truth initially would have.

I remember a guy I was particularly dating at one time. We were talking, you know getting to know each other. I dated him previously but it didn’t work out and we later started talking again. If there was ever an award for the person that could lie through his teeth even when you’re looking at him in disbelief, he would get that award. He lied like it was going out of fashion and when I say fashion I mean fashion that doesn’t even fade away.

We weren’t even in a relationship but I couldn’t even ask him generic questions and get honest answers. I would ask him about his past relationship history and past girlfriends and not only would he be vague but he would always match my answers to his – or at least try to. He’d always beat me to the punch when it came to asking questions so that he could get a sense of what I would say and concoct a story that he would say that wasn’t too different to mine.

We spoke everyday and all the time which I enjoyed doing until I noticed that we were only speaking via phone when he was available because the few times that I would call him instead – guess what – he couldn’t answer his phone. That wasn’t even what perplexed me, what baffled me was the elaborate stories he would tell that were just, erm, slightly far fetched. Bearing in mind that we would usually message each other throughout the day. On one occasion when I called him and he didn’t answer he told me that he had back pain and that’s why he couldn’t speak to me the evening before like he usually did. This back pain disappeared after a couple of days and although his living arrangements didn’t change, he was as fine as a fiddle and never mentioned a back pain again.

Usually when I tried to call him previously and couldn’t get through to him it was because his mum and aunt or another family member was talking to him about life and marriage.

I remember the last time I called him which was the deal breaker for me as it was apparent that he was either living a secret life or was doing things that he didn’t want me to know of. Either way, I’m a no drama kind of girl and if I sense things don’t make sense, then I usually act on this instinct. We were texting each other the whole day and I told him about a programme I was watching that I wanted him to watch (since he appeared to be at home), he asked me about the programme so I decided to call him to explain. To my surprise, yet again, he didn’t answer. When he called me back   I was determined not to pick up but to call him back later on. When I attempted to call him, it seemed as though he had blocked my number as his number was not going through and so I thought, well I know he drives and doesn’t take underground and he lives in London where there is phone signal soo…

He sent me a message (via an internet based app) asking me to let him know when I was ready to talk, which I did. To my surprise, when he called me he told me that he had to take his mum to the accident and emergency unit at their local hospital as she was complaining about stomach pain. He called me later on and told me that the hospital gave his mum antibiotics and sent her home.

The next day I was acting odd towards him as I had already made up my mind that he could not be trusted and that there was definitely something that didn’t seem to add up – didn’t quite make sense and I couldn’t work out this puzzle I had been trying for so long to finish. I spoke to him that evening. He said that his brother was with his mum at the hospital because he had to go to work. I’m immediately thinking, “I thought they sent your mum home with antibiotics and how did a good conversation via text change suddenly the moment I called you?”

Of course there are many more examples but the message is loud and clear. Not only does lying make it difficult for me and people in general to tell who a person really is but it is also associated with deceiving. The real problem is, is that those who do it become untrustworthy and can easily lose friendships and tear relationships apart at a blink of an eye because of it.

The stress that it can cause is often unnecessary and let’s face it, I know if I’ve been lying and deceiving someone, I can’t really sleep at night and on top of all the things I have to remember, I also have to remember that lie and the string of lies that comes with it as well, gosh that’s headache.

In the end lying is just a conundrum, a puzzle with missing pieces – a jigsaw that can’t be completed. It’s not worth it, so I always try and make a conscious effort to tell the truth even if it hurts – I know it usually won’t hurt as much as the lie probably will in the long run anyway. Besides, one lie can make everything else the person has ever said become questionable and who wants to be questioned about everything?

HettyAsh xx